Thursday, November 05, 2020

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Forty-six

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss             

By Sandra Warholic Seeley

Chapter Forty-six: Let's Talk Turkey

Wild Turkey
Turkeys intimidate me. First of all, if you have ever encountered a turkey in the wild (meaning on the University of Pittsburgh campus) you found out that they are often in attack mode. My daughter used to fear for her life when going to her mailbox and back due to a turkey infestation in her yard. When I would visit her, I had to gauge the distance between her front door and the current location of the turkey patrol, before making a dash for her door (before DoorDash was a thing!)

My research assistant, Zeus, tells me that turkeys may attempt to dominate or attack people they view as subordinates. In other words, they have a pecking order (pun intended). Who would have thought these belligerent birds could be such racists? So here’s my advice to you: Beware of Tom when he puffs up his body and shakes his tail feathers at you. You definitely do not want to be subordinate at this time! (This is his mating dance). Do not let him corner you. Do the turkey trot as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Just hope you can do this faster than 25mph. 

I am even more intimidated by dead turkeys! My sister has traditionally hosted Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Due to social distancing and remodeling of her kitchen (Some people will do anything to opt out of hosting duties), I may have to cook the turkey, make all the sides and bake the pies for just Edward the Great and me. I have never made a complete turkey meal myself. How is this WW related you may ask? I will tell you. I have options. I can attempt to make all of the above, but eat small portions. I can call the DoorDash people. I can go to my daughter’s house, and let her deal with the Butterball hotline (1-800-288-8372 or 1-800-BUTTERBALL). 

As a last resort, I can stay home and have a Wild Turkey Bourbon liquid meal. My research tells me that it is a combination of high proof, a great price and flavor qualities possibly approaching a perfect storm. Not much fiber in this meal, but it’s Thanksgiving and I’m thankful I do not have to cook. 

Until next week or next year (whenever I get around to writing again), Bottoms Up! Repeat this several times and be slap happy! Also, beware of turkeys.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.


  1. Now that's talking Turkey! Cheers and Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. As a "flexitarian," I generally don't eat meat because I love animals, but I make an exception for turkey because turkeys are a**h****!


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Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, Bethel Park, PA and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Her humorous writing is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. She has often written as Kanela, which is her Pen Name and means Sandra in Hawaiian. Her serious writing is genuine and written from her heart. She lives in a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA with her husband and Zeus, her 119 pound German Shepherd, who is her constant companion and writing assistant. They have ongoing discussions about which one is Alpha in their pack.

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