Menehunes

Are you a believer?

Menehunes are the Hawaiian equivalent of leprechauns. Both are diminutive creatures that exist for those who believe in them.

The most famous and tallest menehune was Time Magazines' 2001 Person of the Year. See if you can guess his name from the following description: he is a playful elf, pot-bellied, hairy (but not on his head), muscular, and sports bushy eyebrows over large eyes. He stands Democratically, Independently, or Republicanly (depending on the decade) about two feet tall. Due to his short stature, it was not necessary for him to kneel when QE II bestowed honorary knighthood on him in 2002. He hosted SNL in 1997 and made two cameo appearances. He enjoys cliff diving.
A. Mickey Rooney
B. Daniel Rooney
C. Sir Rudy Giuliani-Rooney
Hint: The answer is always C.

Menehunes allow only a privileged few to see them. A menehune must give you a special juice which will allow you to see him or her. I have seen menehunes on numerous occasions. What juice did they give me?
A. Orange Juice
B. Redbull Energy Juice
C. Blue Hawaii "Juice"
Hint: See above hint.

Wolfgang can sense the presence of menehunes at the door, although he is not juiced up enough to see them. Who is Wolfgang?
A. September 5, 2009 host of SNL
B. Your worst nightmare
C. Assistant to a star
Hint: No more hints!

And finally, the beast of the Pittsburgh Steelers, and my personal favorite player, carries a six inch live menehune as a good luck charm. This very strong Samoan safety ( or very Samoan strong, strong safety) has many off-field interests such as growing flowers, making furniture, playing the piano, and flying on seagulls with a mini-menehune in order to patrol for sharks. Where does Troy Polamalu keep "mini-hune" on game day?
A. In the Game Day Magazine
B. In Coach Tomlin's cap
C. In one of the SIX large round diamonds of his Super Bowl XLIII ring

I "pau" now. Aloha Oe.

Email any comments, tropical gifts, menehune sightings, menehune pranks, or menehune good deeds to Queen Liliuokalani-Kanela at sandraseeley.com or visit me at Iolani Palace, Hawaii.

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Coloring With Famous People

By Kanela

"Dancing With the Stars", "Ice Skating With Celebrities", and "American Idol" inspired me to create my own reality TV show. I've decided to call it "Coloring With Famous People" for obvious reasons.

Coloring Pages

Here's how it works. Famous people from all over the world will send me samples of their coloring abilities. From these thousands of entries, I will choose the contestants. Entries have already begun flooding my mailbox. George W. Bush colored a picture of Geena Davis. However, I had to disqualify him because he missed the entry deadline. Plus, he colored outside the lines – a lot! He claimed no one told him about the deadline. Too bad, we'll just color you "sad", George! Perhaps you could be more curious next time and discover some facts on your own. Have a nice yellow banana on us!

OK. So here are some famous people on this year's show: Billy Joel, George Lucas, Bill Gates, Sir Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, Martha Stewart, and Queen Elizabeth.

The theme for this week is the color "purple". Each contestant will receive 2 scores: one for technical difficulty and one for artistic merit. Each person will color their favorite purple object in any medium they choose. Crayons, markers, paint, chalk, colored pencils, etc. are all acceptable.

Advance word is that Elton will be coloring purple pajamas and Queen Elizabeth will be doing a stunning prune or pansy. Martha is doing sheets and pillowcases in shades of lilac for spring and Ellen is painting a purple potato chip. Bill Gates is dyeing toilet paper and calling it "Microsoft Purple" (the deep purple ultra soft version comes with virus protection and aloe. However, it is not expected to be out until after Christmas. Coloring book manufacturers are very disappointed in this setback.)

My early favorite is Billy Joel's "Purple State of Mind" colored inside an I Love (heart) New York bumper sticker. But, George Lucas could take all the veteran votes for his Purple Heart presentation to Luke picture. All the Ewoks have told me they plan on phoning and texting their votes after the show.

Paula, Randy, Simon and I will be the judges. Ryan (after the break) Seacrest will host/mediate the show. The guest colorist this week will be Jose Eber. It's been rumored he'll be coloring Taylor Hick's hair in graduated shades of purple, if only Taylor can remain motionless for the time required.

Auditions for the show have been held in cities around the world. The worst of the coloring challenged have already been eliminated. See them on Fox at 8:00 on Tuesday. For a verbal trailer of the auditions, read on. Tragically, Stevie Wonder discovered that he is color blind. Oprah had an unfair advantage with "The Color Purple". Andy Warhol is dead. George W. won't take "no" for an answer and appeals to the American public. He promised to promote purple on his Farewell Tour 2009, Have another yellow banana, George. Prince (formerly known as Prince) couldn’t finish painting his purple house in time for the show. And finally, Master P (for purple) was not visibly moving.

I'm already planning my second season show. I won't tell you who the famous people contestants will be. I will tell you that major surprises are pending, the color will be green, and for the first time, I feel so "Wicked"!

Stay tuned.
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Who's Who?

by: Kanela

Today I am Kanela and will continue to be Kanela until I no longer have teenagers living with me. They would be mortified to be publicly associated with this column. So for now, I will remain anonymous. Unfortunately, that means no flattering pictures of me next to my by-line. Instead I have given my editor permission to use Dave Barry’s picture with long blonde hair added for a feminine look. Feel free to claim to be Kanela should the need arise. Someday, we’ll have a public unveiling and my alter ego will come forward.

I used to love Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, but always confused them. I was saddened by Siskel’s death in 1999. My first thoughts were: What now? Will Ebert have to give movies a one thumb up or one thumb down? Use two hands? Do twice the work? My second thought was: Well, finally I’ll be able to distinguish between the two. Or did Ebert die?

Then there are Robert Dinero and Al Pacino. I have never seen these two fine actors together. Personally, I firmly believe they are the same person. They actually claim each other as dependents for tax purposes. Even the IRS is confused by them.

Two of my favorite folk singers will forever remain a mystery to me. Of course, I’m speaking silently of Simon and Garfunkle. Even after the split, I try to picture their individual physical characteristics, but would fail a matching quiz involving just these two.

Tommy and Dick Smothers are easier for me since Tommy was always my favorite. Only fair since Dick was his mother’s favorite. I recently saw this dynamic duo on a PBS special and am pleased to report that ageless Tommy still has that ornery gleam in his eyes.

And what’s with fettucine and linguine? I can’t even spell them let alone tell them apart. Must be that Italian thing again. See my debut article.

The old timers are especially difficult for me since they were before my time. Let’s see. It’s Abbot & Andy, Laurel & Costello, and Amos & Hardy. Right?

Here’s one for all you little people out there. Is Bert pointy headed and stupid or is it Ernie?

Only the other day, I had a chance encounter with Mary, as in Peter, Paul and Mary. She confided in me that after all these years, she’s totally clueless as to the identities of Peter and Paul.

In conclusion, I hope I have not made a huge mistake by allowing my name to be associated with Dave Barry’s picture. Years from now, when people see us together, will they be asking: Which on is Dave and which one is Kanela?

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