The Early Show With Kanela Seeley

Flowers by Memories in Bloom

I'm pleased to announce that beginning today, I'm the new host of the sporadic Monday morning Early Show With Kanela Seeley. Sporadic because I'll only host when I feel like it. Of course my sidekick, announcer and second banana is Wolfgang Amadeus Seeley. However, he insists he's the Top Dog since being given this honor for the 24th consecutive year by the American Kennel Club.

My guest today is Siri. (Virtual applause please!)

Kanela: Thank you for guesting today, Siri. Would you care to take a seat?

Siri: No, thank you. I'm just a disembodied voice.

Kanela: What would you like to discuss today?

Siri: Nothing. I'm sick of stupid questions.

Kanela: What is a stupid question?

Siri: Sorry, you're now in the doughnut hole for questions. You're on your own until January 2016.

Kanela: Thank you once again for guesting, Siri.

Now for my In the News segment.

On the Intergalactic front, I was surprised to discover that Martians look like Matt Damon. Even more surprising, the Martian Immigration Authority (MIA) is deporting Matt for being an illegal alien. It's rumored that Donald Trump is studying their methods.

In National news, Putin is just being Putin.

Breaking news on the Education/Sports/Local scene. The Pittsburgh Public School District is firing teachers as quickly as the Pittsburgh Steelers fire their kickers for not raising scores. It's rumored that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, may be the next superintendent of PPS. The school board is seeking someone with plenty of suspension experience, especially for those employees at the top of the salary scale. School board members have actually been overheard chanting, "Get that garbage off the field!"

Secretary of Health, Sylvia Mathews Burwell, announced at her recent White House Conference on Aging that aging is bad for you. Don't do it! Just Say No!

Weather Advisory:
Today will be autumnal, mostly green with splashes of red, orange and yellow. Wear your splash guards.

In Entertainment news, if Gary Busey doesn't get voted off soon from Dancing With the Stars, I'm cancelling my Arthur Murray membership, possibly even my Comcast subscription.

After a word from my sponsor, Memories in Bloom, our musical guest, Val, will perform her rendition of "Lean on Me." In her own words, "I'm just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment." She is also moonlighting as a bartender at Club SNL. A guy named Bill Clinton will accompany Val on the saxophone.

I would like to thank my guests and sponsor for what I hope will be the beginning of many more Early Shows. My next guest will be Pandora. My next musical guest will be Pandora. If you would like to be a guest or sponsor, be sure to email me. If you would like to be a paid guest or would like to pay me to allow you commercial privileges, please leave me a favorable comment. (Payment to be determined at a much later date) This is your Early Show host, Kanela, signing off with a big Aloha. See you whenever!

Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.