Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Anthony the Tank

I've always said my next car is going to be a tank and I've finally located my dream vehicle. What really closed the deal was the exterior color scheme called Active Camouflage Electromagnetic Armoured paint in blue, black and white. I'll blend right in with the sky as I cruise along Expressway 43 in my Model 2014 CCD (Camouflage, Concealment, Deception) vehicle. That means I can blend, hide and deceive. State Troopers will think I'm Sherman instead of Anthony! (Deceptive, Huh?)

Did you know that tanks are gender specific? They come in either male or female. I haven't studied tank biology, but I assume the male tanks are the ones with large caliber front end fire power, while the females have machine guns on a rotating turret. ("Turret" is a funny word, "machine gun" is not.)

Tanks are not exactly fuel efficient and they emit copius heat and noise, but what they lack in economy they make up in power output. According to my research assistant, Wolfgang, your average Toyota Camry operates on 158 hp, your rarely seen but much desired Lamborghini registers 632 hp, while macho "Anthony" boasts 1500 hp! What a guy! However, on my first road trip, I did have some difficulty locating which side the gas cap was on - not to mention the price of JP8 jet fuel for a 500 gallon tank Tank. Luckily, Anthony has a spoiler on his rear to cut down on air resistance. (See picture!)

On a good day, Anthony accelerates to 43 mph. Although this is not exactly speedy, he can also ford depths of 3.3 feet. This is a highly desirable feature, especially in Pittsburgh's flood prone areas.

Modern tanks seldom operate alone. They are organized into combined arms units. So if you see me on the road, you may also see some infantry, ground attack aircraft and/or attack helicopters in my wake. Mom always warns me to be careful when I leave the house! Just salute the troops when passing us.

The deluxe model tank also comes with AC, surround sound multi-disk CD system, optical periscope, fume extractor and snorkel to supply air to the driver and passengers.

On the down side, Chrysler Defense (now General Dynamics Land Systems) is charging $8.58 million US (with inflation adjustment) per tank. A large part of this cost is due to the price of Kevlar today! Luckily, I was able to get Lifetime Financing from General Dynamics.

Road Trip anyone?

Email comments and Road Trip destination suggestions to Commander Seeley at


I would like to give a Shout-Out to Anthony Arms & Accessories in West Mifflin, PA for letting me park "my" tank in their parking lot. Isn't it a coincidence that my tank and their shooting range have the same name? Hooah!


  1. Thomas the Tank Engine "likes" Anthony the Tank!

  2. Anthony is very modern in his color scheme of black, white, and indigo. "Like."


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Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, Bethel Park, PA and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Her humorous writing is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. She has often written as Kanela, which is her Pen Name and means Sandra in Hawaiian. Her serious writing is genuine and written from her heart. She lives in a suburb of Pittsburgh, PA with her husband and Zeus, her 119 pound German Shepherd, who is her constant companion and writing assistant. They have ongoing discussions about which one is Alpha in their pack.

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