Polar Vortex, Max

To show you just how far-reaching our recent Polar Vortex was, I've included a detailed meteorological diagram to illustrate this rare phenomenon. As you can see, Max (the name I've given to this particular PV for Maximum coldness) took his icy paw and flung a bunch of stuff in a counter-clockwise fashion (if you are reading this in the Northern Hemisphere). So if you have trouble recalling whether Polar Bears live in the Arctic or Antarctica, it doesn't matter anymore. They are making the rounds of this planet, so to speak. In the North today, in the South tomorrow.

What exactly is a Polar Vortex? First of all, it's the polar opposite of your happy place. Unless your happy place involves actual temperatures of -30 degrees F. Scientifically speaking, Old Man Winter is blowing colder than he has for the past 20 years. Kanela was able to get an exclusive interview with Old Man Winter.

Kanela: How do you explain your extreme variables of temperature, air pressure and water vapor?

Old Man Winter: I'm old.

Kanela: And there you have it readers. Old age is often the reason (excuse?) for extreme behavior. Just observe your favorite old person.

In conclusion, the most bizarre characteristic of a Polar Vortex (besides being called "a weather pattern on steroids," author unknown) is something called a Circumpolar Whirl. This occurs when the chief meteorologists from the 3 major Pittsburgh television networks rotate in a counter-clockwise direction each evening. ABC's Mike Harvey circles to CBS, bumping Dennis Bowman into Stephen Cropper's NBC weather map. It's kind of like a weatherman game of musical chairs, especially when the wind spins into Chicago and picks up Demetrius Ivory, bringing him back to Pittsburgh. The centrifugal force has been known to spin him into a viewer's home for a one on one weather report. My door is always open for you, Demetrius!

Severe weather alert: Prepare now for the next Polar Vortex. There have been reports (sightings) that Elphaba is participating in PV Round 2. According to aspiring weatherman/author, Gregory Maguire, "A mile above Oz, the Witch balanced on the wind's forward edge, as if she were a green fleck of the land itself, flung up and sent wheeling away by the turbulent air."

This is Chief Meteorologist Kanela for KDKA, putting my spin on the Polar Vortex, being a little bit wicked and taking the yellow brick road out of Oz. See you back home.



Email comments and severe weather survival tips to The Weather Wizard @ sandraseeley.com.

PS
Lil ole Hawaiian Kanela almost got frostbitten fingers while on location shooting the above diagram!
Be sure to click on the picture to zoom in on all the intricate details.

Continue Reading

Anthony the Tank

I've always said my next car is going to be a tank and I've finally located my dream vehicle. What really closed the deal was the exterior color scheme called Active Camouflage Electromagnetic Armoured paint in blue, black and white. I'll blend right in with the sky as I cruise along Expressway 43 in my Model 2014 CCD (Camouflage, Concealment, Deception) vehicle. That means I can blend, hide and deceive. State Troopers will think I'm Sherman instead of Anthony! (Deceptive, Huh?)

Did you know that tanks are gender specific? They come in either male or female. I haven't studied tank biology, but I assume the male tanks are the ones with large caliber front end fire power, while the females have machine guns on a rotating turret. ("Turret" is a funny word, "machine gun" is not.)

Tanks are not exactly fuel efficient and they emit copius heat and noise, but what they lack in economy they make up in power output. According to my research assistant, Wolfgang, your average Toyota Camry operates on 158 hp, your rarely seen but much desired Lamborghini registers 632 hp, while macho "Anthony" boasts 1500 hp! What a guy! However, on my first road trip, I did have some difficulty locating which side the gas cap was on - not to mention the price of JP8 jet fuel for a 500 gallon tank Tank. Luckily, Anthony has a spoiler on his rear to cut down on air resistance. (See picture!)

On a good day, Anthony accelerates to 43 mph. Although this is not exactly speedy, he can also ford depths of 3.3 feet. This is a highly desirable feature, especially in Pittsburgh's flood prone areas.

Modern tanks seldom operate alone. They are organized into combined arms units. So if you see me on the road, you may also see some infantry, ground attack aircraft and/or attack helicopters in my wake. Mom always warns me to be careful when I leave the house! Just salute the troops when passing us.

The deluxe model tank also comes with AC, surround sound multi-disk CD system, optical periscope, fume extractor and snorkel to supply air to the driver and passengers.

On the down side, Chrysler Defense (now General Dynamics Land Systems) is charging $8.58 million US (with inflation adjustment) per tank. A large part of this cost is due to the price of Kevlar today! Luckily, I was able to get Lifetime Financing from General Dynamics.

Road Trip anyone?

Email comments and Road Trip destination suggestions to Commander Seeley at sandraseeley.com.

PS

I would like to give a Shout-Out to Anthony Arms & Accessories in West Mifflin, PA for letting me park "my" tank in their parking lot. Isn't it a coincidence that my tank and their shooting range have the same name? Hooah!

Continue Reading

Benjamin Casper and I (Me?)

Benjamin Casper is the protaganist in the book Mistress by James Patterson and David Ellis. This article is not so much a review of the book (which I loved, by the way), as it is me identifying with Benjamin. Nyet, I don't own a Triumph motorcycle, or constantly get machine-gunned (Is machine-gunned a verb?) by Russians, karate-chopped by Asians or confused by Americans. Well, actually, I do get confused by Americans quite often so, let the similarities begin and "May the odds be ever in your favor!"

Benjamin thinks theme music should play in real life during our most dramatic moments. I whole-heartedly agree. Wouldn't it be great if Jaws music played to foreshadow dangerous situations? We certainly wouldn't stick around to see a dorsal fin circling us. (Did you know that most sharks have 8 fins making them 8 times as dangerous as fish with fewer fins?) In fact, since Wal-Mart started playing Warning Music periodically over their loudspeakers, there have been 50% fewer shark attacks in their stores.

Benjamin also uses a lot of parentheses as he is narrating his story. I often carry parentheses with me in my pockets to explain the way my mind works to the average person. (Those are not fat deposits on my hips, they are parentheses in my pockets!)

I love the way Benjamin uses quotes from Kung Fu, Star Wars, The Raven and Kennedy's favorite poem: I Have a Rendezvous with Death. (I'm just waiting for the day someone will call me Grasshopper for being able to snatch a stink bug out of the air with my bare hands.) (Stay tuned for a future article called: Stinky Bugs.) (If I use up all the parentheses in my pockets, I may look 10 pounds lighter.)

Like me, Benjamin is funny (although some people may say we differ on that characteristic), writes on-line and wants a cool nickname. All my life I have wanted a cool nickname, but I'm still waiting for that to happen. Perhaps I'll add that to my Bucket List.

So, in conclusion, I highly recommend that you read both Mistress and Kanela's Korner for humor, intrigue and suspense. To quote Benjamin, "Trust me, I'm not as normal as I seem." (Oh, by the way, I didn't see the ending to Mistress coming. I knew it was at the end of the book, but... Surprise!)

Please email comments and nicknames to sandraseeley.com (Very few people do. Sigh!)

Continue Reading