Story of My Life Today - Negatives

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    Story of My Life Today - Negatives

Disclaimer: Reading this article and then labeling me a Negative Nellie is not my whole story. Stay tuned for Story of My Life Today - Positives.

Here I am today falling into my deep-dish washing machine to retrieve clothes I can no longer reach easily. 

With each trip around the sun, I seem to be shrinking an inch or two even though I shower using water so glacial even my hair comes out dripping with icicles. This makes laundry day hazardous to my health. Before I lose any more inches, I'm going to start getting myself dry cleaned!

I've started taking my long handled gripper tool to grocery stores. I've grown weary of "casing the joint" for points of vulnerability (meaning which items of mine did Giant Eagle decide to place in another country) and then scanning the shoppers for tall people to help me. 

I can pull a disappearing act in crowds. If I'm not in the front row in group photos, the only way people can find me (think Where's Waldo?) is because of my platinum (I prefer this color instead of white) hair and unique glasses. 

Clothes in my size are designed for giants. Every dress or pair of slacks comes with a free extra foot of fabric. Sleeves never end at my wrists. I single- handedly keep my local seamstress in business with alterations. 

I have many kitchen step-stool/ladder adventures. I feel the ladder is my best friend and my children's worst nightmare. "Don't worry, I'll just climb up on the counter," is something I never said to my family. I'll let you decide if I've ever actually done that. Remember these articles are usually 95% fiction and 5% fact! 

Furniture is just too tall for me. Forget navigating bar stools. Getting on them is an Olympic event. My dismount is never a 10! Or a 5! It's more like, "Hello cute guy. I could use a little assistance here. And my phone number is..."

My feet never touch the floor in modern chairs, so I'm perpetually swinging them like a little kid.

Now comes the embarrassing part. I recently bought an American Standard you know what! I bought the tall version thinking it would be good for back and knee issues. You know what it's not good for? Sitting on it too long and your legs go numb. End of this part of my story!

I have driving visibility issues. My Mustang rides low to start with, so I'm considering sitting on a cushion, but still want to look cool. From outside the car, it looks like I'm in a self-driving vehicle with just a pair of hands on the steering wheel. 

When I hug tall people, which is everyone but kids, my eye contact is somewhere between their belt buckle and armpit. 

In conclusion, I'm a fun size human, perfect for Halloween, holidays and special occasions, but not so perfect for laundry, grocery shopping, etc. If you are also a fun size person, I would love to hear an episode from your story. Please share it by leaving a "short" comment. I made myself laugh at that pun!

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.