The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Thirty

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss
By Sandra Warholic Seeley
                                                                                         

Chapter Thirty

If it’s true that my Smart TV is spying on me, two things need to happen. First of all, if I’m having a bad hair day, I need to play Hide and Seek with Mr. Flat Screen. Second in importance is learning how to develop a working relationship with Mr. FS (Flat Screen) during shared screen time.

If I’m being watched by not only my television, but also by the 7.8 billion people populating our planet (all hiding inside my flat screen), I need to modify my eating habits, stat! I need to consider which continents have the most people viewing me in order to make myself look good in their eyes. For example, Asia, Africa and Europe take the top three spots. They’re actually getting paid by Nielson to watch me. So on Asia night, I might not want to be snacking on a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream straight from the carton. First of all, ice cream is difficult to eat with chopsticks and there has never been an Asian glutton (except for maybe that one immigrant). So I would not want to shock any Asian sensibilities.

North America and South America come in 4th and 5th place in population statistics using me for their viewing pleasure. North Americans are used to seeing one of their own eating without restraint, but the other day, all 422 million South Americans were yelling “Basta!” at me. No translation was needed, but my tiny, invisible Spanish friends broke the sound barrier with their unified voices. I’ve actually had “Enough!” backtalk from my TV. Tough love ( in decibel levels) is forcing me to rethink my eating habits.

That leaves the people on the continents of Oceania and Antarctica who will be watching me through Mr. FS’s giant eyeball. Since no one knows anything about Oceania, I’m not going to worry about their Peeping Tom population. According to Wikipedia, Antarctica has 0.0004 million summer people of the non-permanent variety (that probably equals a half person). Since this is winter (or is it summer in the South Pole?), I’ll still be on my best eating behavior on the slight chance Comcast is broadcasting nightly from the very deep South.

The most frightening episode of the show called “TV Watches Me” was when the Food Police (Australians) threatened to arrest me for violating myWW Rules of Engagement. As the advertisement for myWW aired on our anthropomorphic TV, I took that as my cue for nutritious snack time (potato chips). Wrong move! The long arm of the law literally reached out from TV abyss-land and grabbed me by my potato chips (not pleasant)!

Until next week, my advice to you is when you are relaxing (snacking) in your TV room, enlist the aid of a food police lookout, know the smart point value of your snacks and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.