Intruder Alert!

Sometimes bad things happen to funny people!

In 2005, we had a close encounter with a middle of the night intruder in our home. While I slept blissfully unaware of any shenanigans going on (shenanigans is a funny word, intruder is not), our mystery visitor was stealthily running through the house canvassing each room for take-out!

Only Mom and I were home. Mom noticed a shadowy figure running past her in the living room, up the stairs to my bedroom. Being just shy of her 88th birthday at the time, blind in 1 eye, hearing challenged in both ears, and recovering from a broken hip, her first thought was, "I can take him!"

Luckily for him, he high-tailed it back out the kitchen window when he saw Supergrandma shuffling towards him with the aid of her walker. Super G was later quoted as saying, "I would have grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him in his "high-tail" if only I could have gotten to him sooner." No one messes with Super G!

Two years later, Wolfgang, my fearless assistant and protector was quoted as saying, "You should have adopted me sooner."

Luckily for us, Mr. Mephostopheles only committed cat burglary and not mayhem on our persons. Crikey!

The local gendarmes dusted our kitchen table for fingerprints, but alas, found none. Not even ours. How strange or incompetent is that?

The only thing stolen was my purse. But my purse contained all my worldly belongings, so that was a huge "only".

Post-traumatic stress results:

• I'm now afraid of thingies in the night.
• I sleep with my purse and Wolfgang.
• We now leave post-its for an intruder such as, "Go away, I've already been burgled." or "Please return my missing unposted humor column article (the Pulitzer Prize winning one) that was in my purse!"

I'm offering a reward (as yet to be determined) for a tip leading to the arrest of this fugitive from justice. I'm also offering a reward for the best comment emailed to Kanela at sandraseeley.com. Hurry! This offer expires at midnight on the 12th of never. And you ask how much I love you!


Moral of this story: Don't keep your purse in the kitchen.

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G-20 at My House

"Welcome to my world. Won't you come on in?"

Exactly one month from today, I am hosting the G-20 Pittsburgh Summit at my house. This is a logistics nightmare to the nth power. The Redd-Up Campaign to de-clutter is overwhelming. The Secret Service and Molly Maid house cleaning experts are tag teaming for bugs.

Meals will be informal even though 10 presidents, 7 prime ministers, 1 chancellor, 1 king, random European Union people, and a partridge in a pear tree will be dining at my tables. I've decided to seat the prime ministers in the kitchen, chancellor, king, random EU people and partridge in the dining room, and presidents in the living room. This decision was based solely on the fact that President Obama insisted on watching the Steeler game on the living room big screen. Originally the Steelers were scheduled to play at Chicago on Sunday, September 20th, but by presidential veto the game was pushed back to September 24th to accommodate the G-20 Steeler Nation. In fact, even as I write, Soldier's Field is being moved from Chicago to Kanela's back yard for pre-game festivities. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev toasted and cheered, "Za druzhbu myezhdu narodami! Go, Steelers!" (To friendship between nations! Go Steelers!)

My faithful assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus, is in charge of the menu. I do hope no one is allergic to Blue Buffalo Dog Food prepared in a crock pot. Australian Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, reacted to this news by mumbling down under his breath, "Crikey!" French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, just swallowed his words.

The kitchen contingent of guests consisting of Australia, Canada, India, Italy, Japan, Turkey and The United Kingdom will be seated at a round table served by Sir Wolfington. The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, upon hearing this news shouted, "Bravo!" The Japanese PM, Taro Also, nodded politely.

Entertainment was going to be watching Denzel Washington on location in the Strip District of Pittsburgh filming "Unstoppable." However, due to irreconcilable financial differences, Denzel and Fox Entertainment are divorcing. G-20 added this global financial and economic crisis to their "Next Steps" agenda. Wolfgang offered to chase his tail as a backup amusement plan. Indian PM Manmohan Singh called Wolfgang a slum dog which hurt his feelings. In retaliation, Wolfgang is seating the Indian PM in the rotating "Troika" chair that is not going to stop rotating.

All this planning and preparation were definitely worth the effort. I recently was surprised to learn that the Nobel Peace Prize Academy selected me for the 2009 Diversity In The Home Category. I apparently have done the best work for fraternity between nations and for promoting peace congresses. South African President, Jacob Zuma, pounded his chest twice, gave the peace sign, and said, "Peace Out." I personally would like to thank Jacob and the Oslo Academy.

If you, dear readers, have any dining or decorating tips, comments or congratulations for Kanela please email them ASAP (I'm needy!) to sandraseeley.com.

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Meet My Assistant, Wolfgang Amadeus

The Adventures of a Shaolin Monk Dog, Kwai Chang Canine

You may be wondering how I manage to write so profoundly week after week. The answer literally lies on the floor with my four-legged assistant. My faithful companion is my listening public, enforcer of play breaks, and nap mate. I also use him as a furry foot futon. I, in return, am his human popsicle. Actually, he'll lick anything in front of his face. This symbiotic relationship is a huge benefit to both of us. Wolfgang gets his daily salt intake requirement as recommended by the FDA, while I get daily doses of love and laughter, which I relay to all of you. Do you feel loved and laughed?

Wolfers is a black lab mix. He's mostly lab, but only DNA testing can identify the mix. He may be part rhinoceros!

My favorite daughter and I rescued him from"certain death" from the Washington County Humane Society which I want to emphasize is a no-kill shelter. The rescue part involved holding him in my arms so a mean little boy couldn't adopt him.

Sir Wolfington has now been with us a little over two years. He has trained us well with the lessons he learned in puppy school and just recently, middle school. We send him off every Saturday with his Dramamine, backpack, lunch box, notebook, pencils, and doggie treats. We can now fetch a ball when he doesn't feel like returning it, feed him treats when he shakes hands a zillion times a day without being asked, and open the door to check for phantom visitors when he barks their appearance.

Wolf is fearless except when the Meals-on-Wheels people arrive daily for Mom or Mom's priest stops in for a visit. He then goes into manic barking mode. Should I be worried about the integrity of either of these seemingly harmless volunteers? He's also afraid of "thingies"that lie in wait for him outside at night. Thingies like lightning bugs and shadows.

However, during the day, "Grasshopper" is a Kung Fu master. I once watched in amazement and disgust as he snatched a fly in mid-flight and swallowed in delight. And yet, when we toss a tennis ball for him, he stands there and lets it hit him on the head. Hence, ("hence" is a funny word) Wolfgang Amadeus became my humor column assistant. He wanders the American New East armed only with his skill in Kung Fu and humor.

In conclusion, I'll share one little secret with you. Since Wolfgang hasn't learned to read yet - he'll never know. We once ran out of treats for Sir Glutton. So we filled his treat jar with regular Blue Buffalo Dog Food. He will do anything for those "treats", when all he has to do is visit his food bowl!

The funny thing about Wolfgang is that he is funny!

If you have any word treats for Wolfgang, please email these kudos to Wolfgang Amadeus at sandraseeley.com. Kanela will also do anything for word treats!

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A Horse Named Guinness

Happy Trails

This one's for you, Jim West!

Once upon a "stout"-hearted, soulful-eyed quarterhorse at Rolling Hills Ranch, happy trails beckoned to a group of urban urchins of the 3rd and 4th grade variety and me. While I was enjoying the sound of creaking leather, the feel of raw horse power beneath me and fantasizing about the intrepid Wagon Train scout, Flint McCullough, and Irish warriors like George Clooney and Richard Gere, my summer school students were fascinated with the equine farts and dumps. It was like Pittsburgh Public meets an animal!

But getting back to my fantasies, once I did the arthritic two-step(used a 2 step stool to mount Guinness), my legs were young again. For one solid hour, I was able to climb over hills and dales with nary a stumble or pain in the knees. Guinness, bless her heart, was confused by the sudden appearance of dales, but she managed to navigate better on four feet than I could ever do on two. One little dale even followed me home!

I'm proud to say that I am committed to responsible riding and can legally enjoy Guinness even though my youthful appearance might fool you. I urge all of you novice equestrians to also ride responsibly. My 3 main suggestions are:
1. Let the horse with the most seniority drink at the water trough first.
2. Don't say "Yee Haw" or "Giddy Up" when a horse is attending to personal business.
3. Don't scream like a ninny if you become frightened by anything your horse or your body does. It will not calm him. Trust me.

In conclusion, I can honestly say that "Guinness was Good for Me" and the pint waiting at home wasn't bad either.

"Happy trails to you until we meet again."

If you have any additional responsible riding tips or comments, please Email Kanela Clooney. She can be reached at sandraseeley.com. Irresponsible riding tips can be Emailed to my evil twin, Kanela Clooney. We're identical!

Draughts, widgets and cheers!

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