The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Forty-one

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss                                   

Free the balloon animals!

By Sandra Warholic Seeley

Chapter Forty-one

I ventured out into the wild blue yonder recently (Go Air Force!) while performing complex pandemic risk factor algorithms in my head, surprised and pleased that everything looked normal. No people in hazmat suits or military vehicles or toilet paper thieves lurking behind trees. I decided that news bingeing about ways to stay healthy was dangerous to my health! Instead I was going to see my doctor about my right thumb that was not behaving as a right thumb should. It was moving up and down in painful jerky motions and not getting a proper grip on life or my snacks.

Usually I take a book with me to any appointment. However, I finished my last book from our now closed library. I couldn’t read anything on my phone since I had just finished my first WW virtual workshop on Zoom which caused my battery power to flatline. I didn’t want to touch any magazines in the exam room for fear of nineteen lurking viruses. So after 1 hour of being left to my own devices, I began looking around the room for ways to amuse myself.

First I prayed the Rosary for all the suffering people in the world. That took up 15 minutes. Then I thought about looking in all the drawers, but was afraid of getting caught. Latex gloves hanging on the wall offered the possibility of balloon animals, but I did not want to waste much needed supplies or be referred to a psychiatrist. I could always practice my line dancing steps while humming “Fly Me to the Moon,” but again did not want to be discovered. Did I dare try to Google how to take your own blood pressure for people stuck in an exam room for two hours? The scale was calling to me, but I did not want to step on my nemesis fully clothed. I kept reminding myself that a thumb exam did not require nudity. Then I spotted my salvation: the paper towel holder!

After waving my hand in front of the holder, it dispensed two sheets of writing paper. The perfect gift for keeping a writer from approaching insanity. After writing the first paragraph to this chapter, the nurse came in to take my vitals.

Now we get to the WW part of my story. I knew from seeing my bloodwork results on the online portal that my cholesterol was on the low end of the high range, but the results were still flagged in red. I felt discouraged about my borderline lipids being called to everyone’s attention. Did you see them? The nurse looked back at my previous numbers, and told me my LDL actually came down 30 points from three months ago. This made me realize that I might not be at my goal, but I’m going in the right direction. It’s all about my perception of where I am now as compared to where I used to be, whether it’s cholesterol or weight. We need to celebrate our successes.

Finally, Dr. Johnny-Come-Lately arrived, diagnosed my condition as a trigger finger thumb (possibly due to an injury from pulling on Zeus’ leash at his last vet appointment - bad dog), injected it with a shot of cortisone and sent me home with the admonition to stay out of trouble. I overheard him telling the nurse to never leave me unattended for long periods of time again.

Until next week, be creative during our isolation protocol and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

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The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Forty

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss
By Sandra Warholic Seeley                                           

Some fear width & Zeus

Chapter Forty

One of my favorite comedians, Steven Wright, once said, “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” I happen to be in the same phobia club as Steven. There must be some deep-rooted traumatic event in my past that caused this debilitating fear (perhaps a lab accident involving gamma radiation). If you even attempt to come near me with a tape measure, my immediate psychological response is to switch over to Personality #2 (The Hulk). For your own good, please do not emotionally provoke me.

My good friends, Merriam and Webster, define “width” as the horizontal measurement taken at right angles to the length. I define my “width” as custom bodywork that’s wider than stock. If I were a Lamborghini, my bodywork would be luxurious and priced between $200,000 to $500,000. Sad to say, I’m more like an oversize truck in need of an escort vehicle. I can aspire to be an Italian sports car, but trucks can be fun, too.

Which brings me to ponder a recent WW Weekly topic on perfection. Coach Kathy told me that trying to be perfect is unrealistic. So unlike Mary Poppins, I’m going to accept the fact that I’m practically imperfect in every way. I’m going to focus on the beauty of imperfections in nature. We all know that the most precious real pearls are those that are formed in nature. The oyster has to deal with an irritant, then coats it with 23 daily Smart Points until it’s no longer an annoyance. Voila! After 5 to 20 years, a saltwater pearl is formed (about the length of time until I reach my goal weight). I’m usually smarter than an oyster, so while I am self-isolating, closing my borders and dealing with irritants (Edward the Great), I’m going to laugh more, read and write more, but eat less.

I just finished reading “Blue Moon” by Lee Child. In this novel, Jack Reacher conducts a WW workshop by incorporating what he learned in the army with Wellness that Works: “It’s something they teach you in the army. The only thing under your direct control is how hard you work. In other words, if you really, really buckle down today, and you get the intelligence, the planning, and the execution each a hundred percent exactly correct, then you are bound to prevail. What the army really means is, if you fail today, it’s completely your own fault.”

Like Steven Wright, “I’m writing a book. I have the page numbers done; now I just have to fill in the rest.” Also, “I’ve written several children’s books...Not on purpose.”

As for laughing more, I’m going to watch videos of long ago favorites: Johnny Carson, Carol Burnett, George Gobel, Victor Borge falling off his piano bench, Topo Gigio ( a 10 inch, half pound foam rubber mouse puppet featured on Ed Sullivan), the Smothers Brothers and more Steven Wright quotes such as, “ I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” Until next week, stay healthy and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

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The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Thirty-nine

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss
By Sandra Warholic Seeley                                               

Chapter Thirty-nine

Once upon a lifetime ago on a Friday the 13th in September a future WW member was born. This sweet Virgo baby girl (moi) would grow up under a lucky star. She would come to love odd numbers, especially the number 13, and would also love odd people (all of you). Friggatriskaidekaphobia was not a thing for her, probably because she did not learn that word until today. Her playmates were leprechauns and menehunes (Even at a young age, she had a vivid imagination), sprinkling her Carpatho-Rusyn gypsy roots with the luck of the Irish and mischievousness of the little people of Hawaii. This intrinsic gene pool created the soul of a writer who, with luck, will one day be a paid, published writer! Perhaps today will be my lucky day when you pay me with compliments. Or you can always email or fax me some cash!

How is this WW related you may ask? It’s related to our wellness/weight struggles because I strongly believe that we create our own luck (success). Also related because menehunes love zero Smart Point bananas as do I. Success lies deep within our mindset. Did you think today, Friday the 13th, was going to be a lucky day? Do you welcome each morning with the expectation that it’s going to be a great 24 hours? Do you think lucky WW members reach Lifetime status? If you have these positive thoughts, then you will become one of the lucky ones, who with hard work and a shamrock on your shoulder, will be celebrating your goals.

I suggest you use St. Patrick’s Day to jump start your luck manufacturing process. Just don’t forget to wear green on the 17th or a leprechaun will pinch you. Then start thinking about how lucky you are. The more you think about it, the luckier you become. The luckier you become, the more weight you will lose. The more weight you lose, the happier you will be.

In conclusion, I would suggest you eat Lucky Charms cereal in moderation, even though General Mills claims they are magically delicious. I have never tasted these frosted oats, and do not plan on starting now. Instead, I can still believe in the magic of hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers, blue moons, unicorns, rainbows and red balloons. I can exercise extreme caution to not fall head first into my sugar bowl, leaving sugar sprinkle evidence all over my mouth and clothing. I will be delighted with my abundance of determination and luck.

Until next week, make every day a lucky day and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

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The Lighter Side of Weight Loss: Chapter Thirty-eight

The Lighter Side of Weight Loss                                           

By Sandra Warholic Seeley

Chapter Thirty-eight

Daylight Saving Time is approaching early tomorrow morning when I will be forced to lose one hour of sleep. This is no big deal for me since I lose lots of sleep every night due to watching late night TV, dealing with a German Shepherd’s shenanigans (I just like to say that word), consuming of Smart Points in a stupid way, restless mind syndrome, regrets (I’ve had a few), pain, worry, tracking of meals (just kidding!), the need to write, memories, etc. As a citizen of the USA, I am required to change the time. As a member of WW, I am determined that it is time to change my ways.

The biggest change for me is going to be to stop using any excuse to sabotage my WW journey. Here are some of my favorite excuses: I don’t feel like cooking so let’s eat out where unhealthy choices magically appear on my plate. The sky is falling so I’ll eat doughnuts to keep from getting smashed. Zeus’ Apoquel anti-itch medicine costs over $300 a month plus the cost of allergy injections custom made for him are super expensive so I need to feel better by eating more junk food. I need to give myself a treat after giving Zeus his two injections every 10 days. He’s even allergic to cats! The nightly news is so depressing that I need to watch it armed with antidepressants like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Everyone knows the best prevention for the coronavirus is snacking on lots of chips only after thoroughly washing your hands. McDonald’s shamrock shakes are only available once a year. Edward the Great is often in the husbands are frustrating category.

To counterattack the above excuses, I’m going to start by having a lot of fun with the first day of DST. I’ve programmed my clock to randomly select the hours throughout the day. I may start the day with 8 PM when I can indulge in my nightly snack. Four in the afternoon may arrive next with a short nap. Meals, errands, playtime, etc. will have no specific times. I may time travel back to my happy place (Pokai Bay in Hawaii). I’m going to “spring forward” with renewed commitment to WW. Since time is relative, I’ll reach my goal whenever I reach my goal. No pressure!

As Dr. Seuss told me, “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” However, I would like to be Carrie Underwood, if only for a day. I think she’s beautiful and talented. But I also know if I put in the time and effort that she does on fitness alone, I would be happy being me-er than me! So with an extra hour of daylight, I’m vowing to put in an extra hour of effort every day to being the best me possible.

One final word from Dr. Seuss, “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.”

Until next week, look for the funny things in everyday life and be happier.

Sandra Warholic Seeley - All my life, and half of someone else's, I have lived in a humorous place called Earth. My muse is a tiny menehune from the island of Oahu in Hawaii where I lived for a year. Ernest Hemingway once sat under the exact same coconut tree where I did most of my writing. I'm also a sensitive to criticism Virgo who loves to get paid for writing and speaking funny stuff. Even though my mind is filled with volcanic ash residue and I'm still finding sand in my shorts, I will continue to write until my muse retires or I run out of pretty blue drinks, whichever comes first. Don't be bashful, email the author.

Continue Reading