Hospital Humor

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."

Hospitals are not normally funny places, but I've been spending so much time in them lately (as a visitor/advocate) that I've actually contracted the highly contagious disease of morbid humor. This suggests an unhealthy mental state, but I prefer to think of it as a destination event for surviving medical absurdities.

Take skyrocketing hospital costs for example. Sharpies and doctor scrubs are way more expensive than pen and paper. So why do surgeons insist on drawing on their pants with permanent ink? I don't know how widespread this practice is, but I can tell you from experience that one particular orthopedic surgeon went through multiple scrubs in one week. His sketches were quite informative and he showed impressive artistic talent considering he was drawing the hip bones upside down from his perspective. In less time than it takes to say Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPPA), Dr. Michelangelo created his masterpieces of bones, breaks and repairs on his cotton canvases. This was done to explain surgical procedures to family members.

Speaking of HIPPA, weren't privacy laws being violated when Dr. Mike chose to become a walking art gallery?

My sister asked the surgeon if she could take a picture of his pants to share with our California based brothers. Being Kanela and afflicted with morbid humor, I just asked for his pants!

In a follow up visit, this same surgeon displayed the X-rays of his handiwork while quoting John Keats, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Again being Kanela, humor often just comes out of my mouth unbidden, so I thanked him for giving me such a classic compliment! Again our skyrocketing hospital costs. Big egos are expensive to feed.

I found the next hospital visit to be hilarious. The nurses did not. This particular patient, prior to his hospital stay had just had a difficult time with Macy's employees trying to return a man's leather belt. After inhaling copious amounts of anesthetics, cognitive dysfunction kicked in. This patient/customer thought all of the nurses were Macy's employees. I was given the dire warning,"Whatever you do, don't mention Macy's!" Being Kanela, I injected some medical laughter into the situation by "accidentally" mentioning Macy's to this disgruntled customer. I was highly amused.

I've read that some hospitals are employing clowns to lighten the mood of patients. This is fine as long as the patient is not suffering from coulrophobia, the excessive fear of clowns. I personally know two people who are borderline coulrophobics and would have zero tolerance for these circus costumed characters. They would run screaming through the halls and out the closest exit. Would that be funny? Morbid humorist says, "yes," although said humorist is not that fond of clowns herself. She would probably be laughing as she ran screaming through the halls.

And what about those robotic hall cleaners that wander willy-nilly around the hospital, even controlling the elevators? (Willy-nilly is a funny word.) I find these child-sized robots quite comical in a creepy sort of way. Of course, I even find some child-sized children to be creepy. Morbid humor strikes again!

If you have a hospital humor story that you would like to share, feel free to email it to me. Who knows, with your permission (and relinquishing of all future rights of ownership), you may see it in my Hospital Humor book on the NY Times Best Seller List 2016

Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

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Blue Moonish

I've come to the conclusion that in the vast scheme of the universe, I was given a Blue Moonish persona - rare and mysterious.

For starters, I was born on Friday, September 13th (the year is a mystery), which is not quite as rare as a Blue Moon, but interestingly (to me) is the numerical reverse of our current Blue Moon on Friday, July 31st. I am prepared to begin accepting early birthday wishes. My email comment lines are now open for business.

People always ask me, "Kanela, how is it that you never seem to age?" My best kept secret is I only have birthdays on the Blue Moon Cycle (every three years) and only if there happens to be a Friday the 13th in September of that year.

These same people, during a FAQ session, wonder if I'm superstitious about the number thirteen. Same answer as above. I'm only freaky about this number on one day every three years. The rest of the time, thirteen is my lucky number. In fact, on my innumerable book tours, I always request a hotel room on the thirteenth floor. Quite often, this is problematic due to the fact that this floor has gone missing. When that occurs, I've been known to stop the elevator halfway between Floor Twelve and Floor Fourteen, get all cozy with a sleeping bag and spend the night.

Another rare phenomenon about me is my blood type, AB Negative. Only .6% of the population has this type. Did you know that vampires find this to be an especially tasty treat? I used to donate my neck willingly at Central Blood Bank - Pittsburgh. However, the vampires soon started seeking me out every fifty-six days. They were relentless and scary. Not one ever looked like "Edward".

One time, they even stuck their needle-like fangs into me and kept twisting and twisting until I almost passed out. This was the mother of all kinks in the neck! This was also the last time I ever donated my negative AB's. So readers, beware of vampires luring you into their banks with the promise of orange juice and sweets. Trust me, it's not worth it!

I read somewhere there won't be another full moon on Friday the 13th until 2049. Will it be blue? Will it be in September? Does this mean I won't have another birthday for the next thirty-four years? Who comes up with these facts? Just leave me a birthday comment gift now. You only have to do this "once in a blue moon."

View of Blue Moon from Kanela's Korner

Sandra Warholic Seeley is the creator and author of Kanela's Korner and The Sandra Seeley Column. She is a lifelong educator who has taught in Hawaii, where Kanela was born; Bethel Park, where her 3 children were born and in the inner city schools of Pittsburgh Public where her passion for the underprivileged began. Kanela's Korner is often 95% fiction and 5% fact, leaving the reader to do the math. Her motto is: Funny or not, here I come! Her faithful assistant, Wolfgang, is always by her side. He looks just like a black Lab and works for treats. To contact the author, click the following link.

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