Hoth Valley

I was traveling north on the 906 when "what to my wondering eyes should appear" but a magnificent waterfall, frozen in time. I readily admit that I find time travel and parallel universes perplexing, but even more confusing was discovering that somehow on my way to the Mon Valley Fitness Center, I ended up on the ice planet, Hoth.

I beg to differ with Han Solo who told me, "There isn't enough life on this ice cube to fill a space cruiser." In fact, there is plenty of life in the Hoth Valley. For example, Frank Sinatra sang to a sold out crowd at the Willow room on Valentine's Day. Either that or his doppelganger, Nick Fiasco, did the vocals. (Doppelganger is a very funny word.) If a person can be in 2 places at once (bilocation), does it follow that a location can be in 2 locations at once? I'm just saying ... Hoth and the Mon Valley seem identical to me.

I'm proposing our bilocated Valley begin an all out tourist blitz. We can advertise tauntaun rides, ice boarding and hover skiing as just a few of our attractions. We can build an ice hotel like the Icehotel in Jukkasjarvi, Sweden. (Jukkasjarvi would be a funny word if I could pronounce it. Ja?) We can rebuild it every year from December to April. We'll construct the chairs, beds, etc. from snow and ice blocks taken from the nearby Monongahela River. As long as the structure remains below freezing, around 23 degrees F, we're frozen golden. Let's not miss the snowspeeder by dragging our boots on this!

Of course, we can't mention the shaggy and carnivorous Willy Wampas that try to eat our guests. Or the occasional pirate and smuggler. That's where our snowtroopers (not to be confused with the Dark Side Imperial snowtroopers) led by Monessen's Chief Snowtrooper, John Mandarino, come in. Their duty is to protect and serve this frigid biosphere.

So as you are observing the speed limit on the 906 and admiring the White Cliffs of Hoth/Monessen, be thinking of additional activities for our soon to be arriving tourists. We already have advance reservations from The Rat Pack: Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, Joey Bishop and of course, Ol' Blue Eyes himself.

Please email your ideas to newly knighted Jedi and rebel, Kanela, at sandraseeley.com. We want to put this road less traveled on the world map.

PS
My assistant, Wolfgang, has volunteered to be our first tour guide. He wants everyone to know his favorite movie is Scent of a Wampa! And if he scents one, he's outta there!

 

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Getting to Know Punxsutawney Phil

Punxsutawney Phil is a prognosticator, sometimes agonistic and quite possibly agnostic.That's a lot of "ics" for one little rodent. but groundhogs are taught from a very early age to develop their ics. Phil is an expert at predicting, fighting and possibly doubting. He actually does not have many deliberate thought processes. He operates mostly on instinct. Although the media has tried to suppress the pugilistic side of his personality, it's still a part of who he is.

Phil should be an expert icker after being alive for over 126 years. According to Phil's co-handler, Ron Ploucha, Phil imbibes his annual magical dose of "The Elixir of Life" in early September. This enables Phil to add another 7 years of life for each sip of the Elixir. I say "Bottoms Up"! This Elixir apparently only works on groundhogs that are at least 50 years old. You can obtain the recipe for this potion online, but let me caution you that it involves Giant Sequoia trees of California, Gingko trees of who knows where, ice from Antarctica, apples, carrots, celery, alfalfa sprouts, acorns, dandelion roots, garlic and strawberry Kool-Aid. The rarest ingredient is pasteurized, homogenized, distilled Lochness Monster urine.(Ick!) Add salt and pepper to taste. Voila! Serves 1 groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil.

Bill Deeley, inner circle president and distant relative of Sandra Seeley, humor writer and Dallas Seavey, 2012 Iditarod winner, told Kanela that his favorite drink is a diet Coke. And I quote, " It's much easier to obtain than the Elixir, but just as magical. After all, it's the real thing!" Just observe how youthful Bill Deeley looks, and he's actually 135 years old.

You may be wondering what Phil does in his 364 days of spare time. Well, he is an accomplished swimmer, an excellent tree climber and a prolific hibernator. He also tries to avoid the Fuller Brush Man who has been stalking him door to door since 1906. Apparently, when frightened, the hairs of Phil's tail stand straight up, creating the perfect hair brush. Fuller Brush PR people will tell you that Fuller Brush is known for premium quality hair brushes. They also tell you that the handles are made of elegant beechwood. What they don't tell you is that they also use natural groundhog bristles!
When contacted by phone, Mr. Fuller Brush (Fuller is a funny first name!) insisted the bristles were made from boars. I say, "Where is the truth in advertising?"

Well, Phil is now putting away his prognosticator hat for another year. Alas, Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Kanela is predicting she will soon purchase a groundhog brush. Even Jose Eber uses them on the Hollywood Stars!

Please email your predictions to Kanela at sandraseeley.com.

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